AriseBlog: Why the name?
Hello Friends,
This month, I would like to share with you some of the journey and the wellspring that Arise Blog came from.
A friend recently said to me, “I hear a story coming” from a question she had asked me. I giggled and said, “Yah, I guess you’re right.”
At that moment I recognized I do often tell a story with my answers. And later recalling that my life has been and is a continuous unfolding of a story. Stories really!
I often think my words are just words but hearing her say that made me realize, whether she wanted my answer to her question to come by way of story or not, I hadn’t recognized when a story became my answer. I’ve also realized, I come from a lineage of storytellers and songwriters on both sides of my family, the Boek’s and Costa’s.
image shot @ Los Poblanos Farm
Story being told. Story unfolding.
Our lives are stories and not just answers. We all have “some things” to say and to listen to one another about. Some of us are linear (short answer preference) and some of us are contemplative (circular and maybe a little more long answer preference). In life, we learn to hopefully embrace both. Isn’t that what God does with us?
My story both begins and continues with the words of Isaiah 60:1-2
Story being told.
About four years ago, a pivotal number of moments began hitting me. These moments came with questions in all directions.
Upward: “God, what is going on with me, with everything around me?” “Are you here? Near? Far?”
Outward: “What in the world is all this noise, and conflict, confusion…?
Deep within: “Why am I becoming bitter, having panic attacks, and asking ‘who am I, now’?
To others: “Help me, what’s really going on?”
I wasn’t losing my faith in God but I can say I was losing my faith in everything else. Writing this as a reflection today, I have learned this is a good, good, and very good thing. To lose faith in everything else in order to hold on and to fully trust God. Better said in Philippians 3:8 “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” (ESV)
But let’s return to the journey back then.
…A story being told…
About four years ago, I began to encounter what is common in our life–spiritual journeys. I say common because it is! In my realm, it was only alluded to or coined “fall away” from the faith but I’ve learned that is not so. I confess, I’m only just beginning to understand the ancient writings on these experience(s).
What is it?
Sorry, I missed naming it, or maybe that’s because neglecting to name it is easier than facing this common place in spiritual journeying called “dark night of the soul” by St John of the Cross and “spiritual aridity” by Teresa of Avila, and others. “By night he meant that our senses are no longer gratified.” “We no longer can look to or depend on what we understand, taste, feel or imagine, for “faith lies beyond all this understanding, taste, feeling, and imaging.”—The Voice of Jesus by Gordon T Smith (172)
In my story, I was experiencing what I can describe as sensory overload and was overwhelmed that I couldn’t feel, see, taste, hear, smell— what was good (healthy) or bad (unhealthy) for me. A famine-like experience, a wilderness, a desert, “an absence”--these are often descriptors for such times in one’s life.
What did my dark encompass?
–Bitterness for sure creeping in. Or was it a healthy bad taste in my mouth?, Possibly both; a paradox, a contraction probably so.
–Empathy, fatigue and overload. At times this felt paralyzing (unable to set my feet on the floor of my bedside, but eventually I did each day–by day). I was carrying too much and absorbing the pains of others. I’m still finding words to describe what was going on. I’m okay with that.
–Wounded and lacking in compassion (at least it felt that way)
–Panic and anxiety never previously experienced
–Pain, at times both physical and emotional
–Quietness and sometimes argument
Whom did I turn to?
The only One I know —my Jesus, Savior and Friend of all Friends.
Many times, and even in conversation with the Lord, I didn’t know what to ask, feel, or how to respond. I just knew I needed to hear from Him. His voice matters most. When I picked up my Bible, I began reading small chunks of words in the Psalms, and passages in the book of Isaiah.
Why? I really don’t know. But, I found that the words and activities of life in the book of Isaiah bore a very clear resemblance to what I was experiencing and wanted to see where I was heading. I read through it very slowly. Meditating, chewing, wondering, frustrated, and wondering more as I read. I found myself in the midst of a wilderness, dry and hungry, and with a thirst. A place where I felt lost, alone, and without answers.
As I stayed with these uncomfortable places, longing for God to help me, I began to notice and learn that I was being led in a helpful direction. Eventually the time came where I could spot a porch light softly radiating at the end of a tunnel. In this dark, the words Hope and Trust kept moving me forward. The dark became dim, lifting the weightiness of my mind, heart, and body. The Spirit of God was helping me to see and be hopeful. I began having moments of peacefulness break through my anxieties, my bitterness, my noise, conflicts, and confusions. The chaos of feelings, the silence and absence were breaking apart as light was beginning to show itself through the tunnels of a dark night.
Just this past winter some newness began to flow as I sat down on the barren winter grass at my local park to reflect on this time in my life journey. These words of past and present colliding:
It Is in,
A Place
Of closeness to God,
Learning the fullness of God,
Surrendering to all of Him.
My senses are gray (still at times) and full of light,
And sometimes still dim,
But the light is His,
True Light piercing what was once dark, very dim.
Healing has come and continues. My soul—hungry and thirsty for God’s truth and wholeness. I’ve come to pray simple words like that of St. Francis “My God, My All!”
And embracing the silence, and absence has become known as solitude; a peacefulness and gracefulness.
Story Unfolding.
And where am I now?
Currently trusting My God in the movements of
“staying with”
meaning not abandoning, but resting, wondering, discovering, allowing the ways of God to guide and expand my love and knowing of Him and in loving others well. God has modeled for us this theme of life story.
Story being told and story unfolding permeate, embody, and “incarnate” our living (as a dear friend recently said). Yes, surrendering to the Incarnate love of God, Jesus the Son, and the gracefulness of the Holy Spirit.
A day by day, moment by moment adventure in this life we are staying with until eternity welcomes anew.
Staying with has been a steady and sure phrase word for this year from May 2021 to May 2022 as I reflect on the path, the transitional journey, and trailblazing.
“Trust in and rely confidently on the LORD with all your heart. And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].” Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP)
This past fall to summer, I stepped out of a long and fulfilling journey in elementary education to explore the beginnings (trailblazing) of Spiritual Direction and writing Arise Blog –offering reflection, rest, reaching out, and resonating resources for others. And welcoming people to journey with me in “Being with God” in their uniquely given life stories–to walk, rest, lie down, and “be” sometimes moment by moment.
The words of Isaiah 60 were the hope filled words I heard in the depths of my struggle, and some days I still have to hear. I leave you with these words from Greg Boyle’s book “Tattoos on the Heart” as we are invited to enter into one another’s lives,
“Compassion isn't’ just about feeling the pain of others; it's about bringing them in toward yourself'' (75)
This is what I hope to convey in sharing reflections on my journey as well as all that Arise Blog is offering each month. I wanted to share with you a bit of this unfolding, and what’s going on in the present.
I pray you may be encouraged as you live with the intentional and surprising gifts of God—they will come with joyful sorrows and hope for abundance of life here and now.
Gracefulness,
Melanie
